Tuesday, November 11, 2014


I find as I am moving into a new place in my life that I no longer have trust or faith in people. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am afraid to get close to people simply because one day they will walk out of my life. I know this doesn't sound logical, but it is a way of self preservation. If I don't get close to anyone then there is no fear or rejection, and no way for them to walk out of your life.
I want to be in that place I was so many years ago where I could put trust in anyone and not be afraid to get hurt or have them walk away. In my life I have had so many people use me, walk all over me, and walk away from me. It makes me ask the question what am I doing wrong?

One day I want to be happy and have a boyfriend that really cares and wants me, who doesn't just walk out on me. I hate this feeling, and I hate being alone. I feel it is necessary to be alone than allow someone in my life that could potential destroy what is left of my heart. People talk about "love" all the time, I no longer believe in love because at one time I thought I had it, all it's a word used way to easily and over abundantly. I never want to feel that kind of pain and loss in my life again, I would rather be alone.

I don't know if I will every truly be happy, and if I will ever trust people again. I have no idea how to let people in and see the real me. I let them see the surface and what is safe, what happens when I let down the walls I so carefully built to keep them at bay? One day life will be different and maybe a strong like will be in the picture, but I don't think love will ever find its' way to me.

As much as I know it's insane to think this way, Why would anyone love me? What would make me special enough to think that someone might actually care about me? Who would even want to waste their time on someone as broken as I am? Sure they see the surface and minor details, but no one will ever know the pain and guilt I carry with me on a daily basis. I feel worthless, and at time a failure.

Some day's I just want to lay in bed and cry, was it ever real? Did I really matter to him or was I just someone who was easily blinded by what I thought was love? I don't think the pieces of me will ever be put back together, and I'm not sure that I even want someone to try.

I am broken
I am damaged
I am unfixable  

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

LIfe, need I say more?

Well life has seemed to kinda of be in a stopping point. I don't feel myself moving forward or accomplishing much, I work 40+ hours a week and take care of my two wonderful children. I feel like I am in a rut and don't know how to get out of it. I am currently living in my parents house with my husband, 2 children, mother, father, and grandmother. To say it's a little crowded is an understatement. I couldn't be happier that they are letting us stay here, but I am so ready to have my own place and to be able to come home and do laundry and not have to work around peoples schedules. I guess that is just how life goes for now, but I am in the process of trying to work from home.

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Friday, May 3, 2013

Domestic Discipline; What is it???

Before reading this blog, make sure to have an open mind. Believe it or not many couples use this in their relationship, but keep it secret to avoid judgment.

Defining Domestic Discipline

Domestic discipline
A definition of Domestic Discipline- is the practice between two consenting adults/spouses in which the husband is the head of the household and takes the necessary action to achieve a healthy marriage dynamic. The necessary action creates a healthy home environment and protects all members of the family from dangerous or detrimental behaviors, by punishing the contributing party. In addition to punishing the unwanted behaviors, the husband is also responsible for rewarding the positive behaviors. This is always done in a safe and loving manner.

Dynamics of Domestic Discipline

In any relationship there are fights and disagreements and everyone handles these differently. In a DD (domestic discipline) relationship the HOH (head of household) has the final say in matters, but also takes into consideration the opinion of their partner.
In a normal relationship you have a fight with your partner; you may go hours without talking, calling each other names, sulking, pouting, waiting for the other to apologize and maybe even saying things you regret. With a domestic discipline relationship the respect to each other is not an option, you respectfully talk to each other and explain how you feel. Because there are lines that are not to be crossed, say for instance a rule you have in the house is to not swear, you and your spouse get in a fight and you lose your temper and swear at them, at first you may just get a look that says to watch yourself before you get in trouble, if that doesn’t work and your keep swearing then you have disrespected the HOH and the rules. There are consequences for disrespect and swearing, which can be a variety of different things, from a physical punishment to taking a privilege away.
A domestic discipline relationship is consensual for both parties, yes the woman agrees to be spanked but it is more than that it allows the husband to move passed the transgression without carrying anger or bitterness. It allows the woman to feel forgiven and to not hold on to guilt for what happened.  From marriage redesigned blog “by submitting to my husband has allowed him freedom to be the man he was designed to be. He feared being honest before because I was a tyrant, and turn any argument into me as the victim. He has thrived in his role as HOH, and I respect him in ways I never thought I could”.
Whether or not you are fighting, respect is always important. It is important to remember that just because you’re angry you can’t lose your temper, you have to still show respect for the HOH and follow the rules. Having the rules and consequences help you to think before you act, and if the rules are broken then you have no one to blame but yourself for your actions. It is all about accountability, you can’t always make sure you do the right thing and it’s nice to have your spouse there to lean on and know that they will hold you accountable and let you know when you could have made a better choice. I like the thought that not everything is left on me and my husband will hold himself accountable for all of our actions and want us to be the best we can be.
In the aspect of a domestic discipline relationship, you have an alpha male who takes control and doesn’t let you get out of control. I tend to say things I don’t mean when I get angry and with a domestic discipline relationship that diminishes because I know that certain things are not allowed and that if I cross the line then I will be held accountable for my actions and learn from it.
I know that I always have him to lean on when times get rough and he knows how to take control.

Consider Domestic Discipline and Your Household

Although domestic discipline is not for everyone and it won’t fix every relationship, from the reading I have done it can help people when they feel that they want to stay together but something needs to change. The big thing to remember is, it’s not abuse and both parties have to give consent and it won’t change things over night. As the submissive party you are giving the HOH control and being vulnerable, and the HOH has to be careful with the authority they have been given. Keep an open mind, just because it is different doesn't mean it is wrong.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

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Monday, March 4, 2013

A year makes a difference!!!

Wow......It is amazing how much things can change in a year, but they have for me so much!!
I am back with my husband and things couldn't be better, we are currently expecting our second child and living with my parents. In all the chaos we seem to be better than we ever have and it just shows that no matter what you go through, things will turn out right. It wasn't easy to put everything back together, but we did and I couldn't be happier that we are all together. With everything that we went through, and put each other through, I don't know what I would do without him! 
Some people would say that it was stupid to get back together, and that since we have separated before that it will happen again. I never see that happening, I love him so much and things have changed dramatically. You never know what can happen, because if you would have asked me this time last year would I get back with him my answer would have been Hell NO!!! 
I wouldn't take back anything that has happened to be in this place of happiness that I am in right now, it was all worth it. I hope that this new chapter in our lives opens even more possibilities for us and we continue to grow closer as a family and a couple!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Honestly I just don't care!!!

So today is a much better day....I finally got past the bump in the road...I still wish that we were dating but I am doing fine with the fact that we aren't....Don't know what it was that got me past it, but I am glad it happened.....I am so ready for work to start on Monday and I can't wait for this new experience :)
I know that things aren't perfect and there is still a lot that i have to fix, but I am looking forward to the journey now instead of dreading it.....My life is like a roller coaster, but I am going to start living everyday like it is my last, because I am sick of being sad all the time and I can't wait to see what tomorrow has in store for me.....I know that things will get better and I can only go up from here.....I can't wait until I meet the person who truly makes me happy....but until then it's me alone and I am completely Ok with that.....Life has a way of throwing you down, but you have to decide to pick your self back up and learn from the experience....I know one day I will truly be happy, and I am just enjoying the journey until I get there :)

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

it's whatever

how do you deal with failure? Even if you are not really failing at anything, but you still feel like everything in your life is falling apart....no matter what you do it all just falls at your feet and there is nothing you can do to fix anything. I am so done with dealing with people, I can't fix anything in my life and what I thought would be a good relationship just fell apart before it could even go anywhere.....Why? I feel like all I do is mess things up no matter how hard I try people still walk right out of the door and leave me standing there. For the first time in my life when he called me pretty and said I was beautiful I actually believed it....Why is it we let people into our lives so easily but letting them walk out is so hard???? When life falls to piece's how are you suppose to glue all the piece's back together? I want to feel happy again, but the more I think about it I see that it doesn't seem possible....I got a glimpse of something that felt so right and ended up blowing up in my face and I feel like I was totally rejected.....Tonight fighting with the asshole, I couldn't imagine why I even wanted to get married to him, all he does is make everything hard for me and doesn't think about how what he does effects anyone. Now how I drown my pain, loss, failure, anger, and everything else in a beer.....it doesn't make me feel any better, I no longer have a shoulder to cry on or someone to hold me when I break down from all the stress and weight I carry on a daily basis. All I feel anymore is despair and wonder if I will ever truly feel happy again and if I will find someone who will love me for who I am and not tell me what they can't handle about me. I want to feel happy and I don't want to rely on someone else to make me happy, but yet I don't feel whole anymore I feel empty rejected and lost.....I know that we can't fix our marriage, but don't I deserve to be happy anyways??? Most people would say yes, but with all the trouble I have caused so many people maybe this is Gods way of saying no.....you have messed with people and their emotions so in turn you feel their pain times 10....It makes sense, why should I be happy if the person I once loved is miserable....it's all my fault he feels that way, but on the other hand I found an amazing guy who made me feel like I was special and that he could accept my faults, until one day he decided that my faults were to much for him to handle. I wish that I could do things over and not have to feel all the things I am feeling all at once...I feel like I am going to explode from all this going on in my head and the fact I have no one just to listen and not tell me what I should do or what they think....just to listen....I wish I had that one special person who would just hold me and let me cry everything out and tell me it will get better and that they will help me get through it all. I want someone who will take care of things and not everything would be left to me. But life isn't fair and you hardly ever get what you want, so here I sit alone with my beer and all my emotions just waiting to bust out, while I feel completely drained of everything and have no drive to be around anyone....It's whatever